Friday, February 20, 2009

Believe it or not, Mets Underground was able to get hold of The Ugly Duckling for a first time, never seen or heard before, interview in which we found out the dirty and ugly secrets that so many of us never knew but yet, heard oh so recently.

Eli from Brooklyn: I'd like to welcome you to the set and let you know that it is a great pleasure of mine to have you on the show.

The Duck: First, bear with me I'm a little nervous or a lot nervous. Let me start by thanking the other ducks, my readers, and all those kids who gave me a chance. The fact that you are sitting with me here today means the world to me. On the one hand, it's extremely tough to admit mistakes. On the other hand, it is extremely tough to admit mistakes.

EFB: Uh, okay. But what mistakes are you referring to?

Duck: Well, as you can imagine, I wasn't born ugly. In September of 2004, I had a meeting with Dr. Seuss and during the meeting he explained to me that I had been among the ducks where people might conclude tested positive.

EFB: Tested positive for what?

Duck: For ugly, of course.

EFB: Ugly? I hear. A publicity stunt. Genius.

Duck: Well, going back to 2001, my cousin started telling me about a substance that can be purchased over the counter in the DR...

EFB: Uh, the DR?

Duck: Down the River.

EFB: Gotchya, go on...

Duck: So this substance was able to be purchased over the counter in the DR. In the woods, it's known as "Boli". Some call it "Super Boli". It was his understanding that it would give me a dramatic boost in my flights, and was otherwise harmless.

EFB: What's your cousin's name and who transferred it?

Duck: Winnie. Cousin Winnie.

EFB: As in Winnie the Pooh?

Duck: I'd rather not get into who my cousin is. He was taking instruction from me, and he felt he was doing something helpful, not harmful.

EFB: Well, why would you take it?

Duck: I was young, I was stupid, it was a loosey-goosey era...

EFB: Oh, I get it - Goosey. Nice one, Duck.

Duck: Yeah, well, I was young, I was naive, it was a loosey-goosey era.

EFB: You were 28, Mr. Duck.

Duck: I entered the swamp when I was 18. I would definitely recommend going to flight school.

EFB: You didn't answer my question. But anyway, did you notice any difference when you stopped?

Duck: I will say this, when you take any substance, it's half mental, a quarter physical, and a quarter flying V.

EFB: Care for a mint? Eh? Eh?

Duck: We weren't taking tic tacs.

EFB: When you took these substances, was it in pill form or injected?

Duck: Eggselent question. I don't recall. I was very young.

EFB: Do you think your famous book should be taken off bookstore's shelves or is it appropriate for people to explore them?

Duck: It's not for me to decide. I simply miss just being a duck.

EFB: Some people have come out saying that "Oh, the duck is a chicken. He is just afraid to say the full truth. Let him come out and say it all." What do you have to say to that?

Duck: Not a chicken. No, not at all. I'm a duck.

EFB: This next question needs no translation. ¿Cree que los patos se nace feo o son como tĂș y tomar drogas DUCK?

Duck: What the...?

EFB: 46 Year old Donald Duck has come out saying that you shamed the farm (system) and that you're ducking from the public eye. Any response for Old (Mc)Donald?

Duck: Well, I'm sorry Jamie, er, Donald feels that way. He certainly is entitled to his opinion so if Donald feels that way, then so be it. (In other words, shut the duck up)

EFB: Do you feel that you are going to take a financial hit because of this?

Duck: Well, Aflac has said that they will not be renewing my endorsement deal. There goes my chance at catching up with that Gecko. And this whole new money mascot with the eyes has got to go. But I love that new song. Absolutely love it.

EFB: You're the duck from the Aflac commercials?

Duck: You bet. I had a weekend job as the mascot for the Anaheim Ducks. Mr. Aflac saw me and it was all up river from there. It is a funny change of events because my first television stint was with Ernie from Sesame Street. In the bath.

EFB: Heh, okaaay. Enough said.

Duck: I was Rubber Ducky. chill.

EFB: Right. Sure. Moving on, any final thoughts for the readers?

Duck: I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Besides stealing half of my Uncle Scrooge's fortune, I've made alot of terrible mistakes. Life is bigger than the duck.

EFB: So true. Hey, you wanna buy a duck?

Duck: Not for $250 mill, but thanks.


The Big Show said...

Eli from Brooklyn ..You are my Shakespeare!!!

wario said...


wario said...

(genius)- sorry for the misspell

Skeptic Al said...

Mr. Dick Duck here fom the National Association of Ugly Duckers. Contrary to the previous commentors, we are outraged at your potrayel of our community and for associating us with those dopes who reside on dry land.
Mr. Brooklyn our team of attorneys are reviewing this very serious matter.

OMARitis said...

My hero...

speshel said...

how odd. . . .

Luigi said...

Your comments? Yes.