Weapons of Mets Destruction

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Word has leaked into the Mets Underground that other teams in the National League have had the intentions of acquiring certain types of weapons of Mets destruction (WMD) for the upcoming 2009 season and that they have already carried out those plans. Now, according to Einstein, every act has a counteract and every move has a counter-move. So, being the loyal (not SO die-hard) fan that I am, I've searched the four corners of (Google) Earth, in order, to come up with a plan so diabolical, that even Mr. Met would run home screaming about it (mind you, the being with the oversized ball-head is a deaf mute).

In order to achieve greatness, we must be greatness. So off my Brooklyn perch I went in search of young and talented greatness. About 3001 miles away, I found it; the answer to all our problems (on days that Johan is icing his arm). His name is Stephen Strasburg and he's the best thing to come out of San Diego since, well, Free Willy. His scouting report discourages opponents to the point that during the Olympics, Jim Lefebvre, coach of the Chinese team, told the New York Times if his team knew about Strasburg, "They might not have shown up."

The 6-foot-5 righthander touches the high-90's with his fastball painting the corners with Madduxian precision. His breaking ball is a plus-plus slider with two plane break that's virtually unhittable. His changeup lags behind his other offerings, but has shown enough that it projects to at least average. (Um, this boy does not have to use his changeup when he's got a breaking ball that is more wicked than a witch from the West).

Warning: Lower your jaw now. This way you won't risk having it drop, just as fast as his curveball does. You'll see what I mean.

In today's generation when a player is above-average, the kids refer to him as "sick". In that case, Strasburg has got the flu, aids, and a nasty case of the herpes. He's freaking lethal.

Einstein didn't say this but we all know it to be true: With every good news comes bad news. It's very unlikely that Strasburg (if he includes himself in the 2009 draft) will be chosen by the New York Mets. That's because the Washington Nationals have the first pick and I'd be lying if I said that Washington would pass on him. But between me and you: They're probably going to pass on him. (I'm lying).

How typical for the Mets. Not only won't they be able to acquire the young stud but they'd have to face him 6 times a year. Grrreat!

So now you see what I mean... The other teams are acquiring weapons of Mets destruction... and you thought I was crazy...

To further our counter-move, we must dig deeper into our bag of tricks, conduct searches that would make even Google blush, and when compared to that Strasburg fella, it would seem as if he is just a little kid (well, he is only 20 to begin with so...).

After going to one side of the internet and back, I have come across an interesting piece of work that might be our solution. And I found it right over HAIR!

A Met-stache, brilliant! Of course the Mets collapsed after firing Willie Randolph...unless, he felt that his nose was so big and important that he had to underline it.

These Mustache-Wright guys are pretty committed to seeing David sport the upper lip hair. And this could be our secret weapon of retort. There are even numbers to prove the theory...

I started growing mine already.

Be it the hair or the hero...The Mets are ready for anything and everything. In just 6 days, we will be a force to reckon with, a team to contend with, and most importantly, in 6 days, we will actually be able to blog about live baseball.

I wonder what that's like.

Either way, forget 1010 wins, keep it locked into:

You give me 22 minutes and I'll give you a blog.


wario said...

Stras (short for Straburg, who’s mother is Jewish) {no she’s not} is the real deal… SI did a piece on him this past week (good scouting Eli)… S.D. took a chance on him and thought he wouldn’t make it, he was chubby and they said his knees couldn’t hold up… they used to have to carry him off the field after a game because he couldn’t walk anymore… now SI reports he has what it takes to dominate and quickly rise to the major league level in a short matter of time…

It’s not a coincidence that Stras has gone with the facial hair as well. It appears it is the choice of winners….

If only Stras would follow in the footsteps of Brain Schnider, Ryan Church, Luis Ayala, and many others and come to the Mets, but this time come before you reach your prime, Mr. Strasburg.

We shall all grow staches in support of our team!!

wario said...

This last video is a very powerful one... it must be passed along to as many ppl as possible... Don’t break the chain!!!

wario said...

BTW in high school he used to scream at the umps and fellow players when they made errors or bad calls....SOUND FAMILIAR ELI?? No wonder you like him!!!!

Eli From Brooklyn said...

"It’s not a coincidence that Stras has gone with the facial hair as well. It appears it is the choice of winners…"

Lol, Wario. I did not know they did a piece on him in the SI. Skeptic Al told me about Strasburg over a week ago. I wish we can get him (and then trade him to the Rays for real talent...cuz we've never done that before with young and talented pitching).

And for the record, I did not scream at anyone while playing ball! I did? Yikes. Sorry if I did but this is a Mets blog. Let's keep the personal stuff off the field (and by the white picket fence on Maine Street. Be there at 2. No cops. No funny games).

Glad you liked the blog... Thanks :)

wario said...

P.S. since he is only 20, there is still time for him to get some more heat on his fastball.. that is scary

wario said...

should i bring my glove?? and stache?

Eli From Brooklyn said...

WE ALL MUST GROW A STACHE! Although Wario already has one if I'm not mistaken, lol.

Luigi said...

Um, do not foget mwa.

"Stache's rock!" -Luigi, 1986

Skeptic Al said...

This kid has - I'm going to blow my arm out -written all over him.

Good reporting!