Is the recession getting to you? Perhaps.
Are you out of a job? Probably.
Can you throw a baseball? Let's hope.
Are you under the age of 40? Don't answer that.
Can you claim you're under the age of 40? Perfect.
We have just the job for you. After taking a look at all the potential number 5 starters that the Mets have - it boils down to none of them. They all have had terrible performances and it probably makes Omar Minaya flip through his Rolodex looking to find someone. Anyone, for that matter.
"Hmmm," Omar thinks to himself as he twirls his thumbs through the pages of names featuring the great Mets' pitchers of the past, "Jose Lima wasn't all that bad, now was he? And how about that Brian Lawrence fellow? He did produce at times. With Johan Santana out, it almost makes me kick myself for trading away that Philip Humber guy. Boy, can that man pitch. And let's not forget Alay Soler. These are all potential signings which would make our team better. Today."
The scary thing is: this is all not that far from the truth.
Livan Hernandez was thought of being a last hope signing when the off-season commenced. We never thought we'd actually "pick him up" (and with all the extra pounds, those words rings true in many "weighs"). Freddy Garcia is coming off shoulder surgery and his hamstrings have been tweaked more times than this blog (oh, and that's plenty). Don't worry, the list of pitchers goes on. Get ready to get your glove out.
Tim Redding got rocked by the University of Michigan today. In his first spring appearance for the Mets, Redding gave up two homers and allowed 5 runs against kids young enough to be his kids' kids. Bobby Parnell was unable to retire a hitter Sunday, allowing three runs on three hits and two walks against the Nationals. Shake the dust off your cleats.
Jon Niese allowed two runs in two innings in the game against the Cardinals, and people claim that the most memorable part of the afternoon was his strikeout of Albert Pujols. Yipee Doody. Let's see you face Pujols a second time before we get our number 5 party hats on, Mr. Neise.
The race for the 5th spot is going until the wire. Mind you, it seems like a really really slow and uncompetitive race, as well. "It's going to go down until the end of spring training," Niese said. Yes, it will. And by "down," he means "downhill."
This is where you, the reader, come in. Can you impress a pitching coach with even a worse prescription than its team's manager? Can you speak a half-decent Spanish? Are you interested in working every 5 days or at least make it look like you're trying to? The pay is good and you'll get to visit many cities across the United States. You are off from the end of September (sometimes sooner) until the beginning of April and there is a new office building for you to work in. The team's third baseman is the only one who talks to the media so you won't have to deal with the press all that much. The food is great (See: Ramon Castro and Robinson Cancel) and it's one of the only ways into the brand new stadium if you're interested in seeing every game.
Unless, of course, you have 4,830 bucks to spend from the job you don't have anymore.