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Sunday, March 8, 2009


Is the recession getting to you? Perhaps.
Are you out of a job? Probably.
Can you throw a baseball? Let's hope.
Are you under the age of 40? Don't answer that.
Can you claim you're under the age of 40? Perfect.

We have just the job for you. After taking a look at all the potential number 5 starters that the Mets have - it boils down to none of them. They all have had terrible performances and it probably makes Omar Minaya flip through his Rolodex looking to find someone. Anyone, for that matter.

"Hmmm," Omar thinks to himself as he twirls his thumbs through the pages of names featuring the great Mets' pitchers of the past, "Jose Lima wasn't all that bad, now was he? And how about that Brian Lawrence fellow? He did produce at times. With Johan Santana out, it almost makes me kick myself for trading away that Philip Humber guy. Boy, can that man pitch. And let's not forget Alay Soler. These are all potential signings which would make our team better. Today."

The scary thing is: this is all not that far from the truth.

Livan Hernandez was thought of being a last hope signing when the off-season commenced. We never thought we'd actually "pick him up" (and with all the extra pounds, those words rings true in many "weighs"). Freddy Garcia is coming off shoulder surgery and his hamstrings have been tweaked more times than this blog (oh, and that's plenty). Don't worry, the list of pitchers goes on. Get ready to get your glove out.

Tim Redding got rocked by the University of Michigan today. In his first spring appearance for the Mets, Redding gave up two homers and allowed 5 runs against kids young enough to be his kids' kids. Bobby Parnell was unable to retire a hitter Sunday, allowing three runs on three hits and two walks against the Nationals. Shake the dust off your cleats.

Jon Niese allowed two runs in two innings in the game against the Cardinals, and people claim that the most memorable part of the afternoon was his strikeout of Albert Pujols. Yipee Doody. Let's see you face Pujols a second time before we get our number 5 party hats on, Mr. Neise.

The race for the 5th spot is going until the wire. Mind you, it seems like a really really slow and uncompetitive race, as well. "It's going to go down until the end of spring training," Niese said. Yes, it will. And by "down," he means "downhill."

This is where you, the reader, come in. Can you impress a pitching coach with even a worse prescription than its team's manager? Can you speak a half-decent Spanish? Are you interested in working every 5 days or at least make it look like you're trying to? The pay is good and you'll get to visit many cities across the United States. You are off from the end of September (sometimes sooner) until the beginning of April and there is a new office building for you to work in. The team's third baseman is the only one who talks to the media so you won't have to deal with the press all that much. The food is great (See: Ramon Castro and Robinson Cancel) and it's one of the only ways into the brand new stadium if you're interested in seeing every game.

Unless, of course, you have 4,830 bucks to spend from the job you don't have anymore.

17 comments:

wario said...

you make a good point eli.... i just saw a posting on craigslist by omar!! The sad part is im not even sure what to comment on this, because its all to true.

Eli From Brooklyn said...

You make a good point Wario. There really is nothing more to be said. (Just kidding, I'm not THAT arrogant). Let's see what PutzFan has to say though... (I'm sure it's mega intelligent). We await...

Skeptic Al said...

Interesting, but not worth giving up my unemployment benefits for this.

Vin4Life said...

You make good points Wario (I know who you are), and Eli From Brooklyn (Steves illegitimate child)... the pain of being a Mets fan reeks in this blog. Its so easy being a Yankee fan, really stress free for the most part. Spend more time listening to (I'm so cocky, I'm the @#!*) Francesca, and less time with the off the derech zeidy, and you'll see exactly what I mean. Oh the pain! May it continue forever! Amen

Eli From Brooklyn said...

LOL!

wario said...

damn it...... eli you cant keep a secret!!

Skeptic Al said...

Wario....I love the herring!...Al

wario said...

Al, lol.. i thought you previously made it clear that we do not discuss private matters on the blog... o well.... i know thanks its awesome!!

Skeptic Al said...

Wario....If we don't discuss private matters on this blog, than don't tell us about youre Craigslist - jobs by omar - post findings, youre depression issues, your inability to express yourself, that Eli likes to yap....the herring is awsome!

Eli From Brooklyn said...

Ouch Wario.

wario said...

i like that your a fan of mine!!.... i see the positive in that post, yes the herring is awesome!!.... and the private matters remark was a comment you made to eli and myself

Skeptic Al said...

I know someone that would be a perfect fit for this job. He's a tall lanky left hander. Basketball is first sport but baseball is a close second.
Not only can he throw nasty curveballs, but he can talk his way out of any jam too. His CHANGEup is quite decieving as well. Unfortanatly he's surrently employed by the US goverment as it's commandor in chief but maybe with a little convincing and a signing bonus to boot, he'll come to realize that this is a better fit.

Eli From Brooklyn said...

PEDRO PEDRO PEDRO.

Skeptic Al said...

Eli...I see the alcohol hasnt worn off yet!

Eli From Brooklyn said...

AL-cohol*.

Skeptic Al said...

There was no need to confirm my suspicions! But thanks anyways.

Who are the Mets playing today...that short-wave radio you bought is sure paying dividents. How do choose what too listen too on split squad days?

Eli From Brooklyn said...

The Mets are off today. They're playing Florida at 7:10 tomorrow night. Enough time to sober up and catch them on SNY or Mlb.tv.