Yanks Sign Maier to Sit in Right Field Stands

Friday, June 19, 2009


Bronx, N.Y. - In a surprise press conference this morning the New York Yankees announced that they have signed 24-year-old Jeffrey Maier to sit in the right field stands for the remainder of the 2009 season, although exact terms of the contract have not been disclosed.

Maier, who played third base for Wesleyan University until 2006, is best known for his controversial deflection of a Derrick Jeter fly-out into the stands during Game 1 of the 1996 ALCS between the Yankees and the Baltimore Orioles. The incident resulted in a game tying home run.

Although since then he tried his hand at playing the game, Maier now realizes he’s best suited for simply interfering with it. “I’ve really always known this is what I was supposed to do,” an enthusiastic Maier said during the press conference. “I’ve fought it, trying to play on the field, trying to join the back office, but I’ve been denying my true calling. I belong in the right field stands.”

“We’ve been in talks with Jeff for some time now, but when we lost to the Nationals last night that did it,” said manager Joe Girardi, referring to the Yankees embarrassing 3-2 loss to the MLB worst Washington Nationals at Yankee Stadium last night. “Now that A-Rod’s off the juice and Jeter’s ankle is acting up we’ve got to try something. I mean losing to the Nationals? That’s like the Orioles’ minor league team or something, right?”

Some critics are skeptical of a Maier’s return though, citing his 10-plus-year retirement from the right field stands. “No one’s arguing that at one time he was the best at what he does, but he hasn’t interfered with a game in more than a decade” said ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons. “He’s going to be rusty.” But when asked about a possible loss of his abilities Mayer pointed out that he’s much bigger now: “My arms are like twice the size of what they used to be,” said Maier. “That’s a solid two extra feet of home run right there.”

Rumors have circulated that the Yankees are considering bringing in other key members of the play as well. However, former Met Tony Tarasco, who played right field for the Orioles during the now infamous ALCS game, couldn’t be reached for comment due to no one knowing what the heck he’s up to anymore.

(As seen on OhMurph.com)